85 Lord of the Rings Jokes That Even Gollum Would Laugh At

Elves, Dwarves, and Puns: 85 Must-Read LOTR Jokes

Middle-earth is epic, dramatic, and filled with sweeping landscapes, ancient prophecies, and way too much walking. But even the darkest depths of Mordor could use a little comic relief, right? Whether you’re a hobbit who lives for second breakfast, an elf with perfect hair and questionable emotions, or a dwarf who can’t go five minutes without swinging an axe, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Lord of the Rings needs more laughs.

So, grab your lembas bread, settle into your comfiest spot in Bag End, and prepare to giggle like Gollum finding a new fish. We've rounded up 85 of the most precious puns, wizard-worthy one-liners, and fantastical funnies this side of Mount Doom. Perfect for movie marathons, RPG nights, or breaking the ice at your next Council of Elrond.

Ready to laugh harder than Gimli trying to ride a horse? Good. Because one does not simply scroll past these jokes without cracking a smile.

Let the pun-dalf party begin! 🧙‍♂️✨

🧙 The Gandalf Giggles

1. Why did Gandalf never use his phone?
   👉 Because he couldn’t pass the roaming charges!
2. What’s Gandalf’s favorite type of music?
   👉 Ring-tone.
3. Why doesn’t Gandalf believe in multitasking?
   👉 Because YOU SHALL NOT PASS… unless it’s one task at a time.
4. Why did Gandalf get fired from the orchestra?
   👉 He kept telling the conductor, “You shall not bass!”

🍞 Hobbit Hilarity

5. Why don’t hobbits use elevators?
   👉 They prefer to take things one step at a time.
6. How many hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
   👉 None. They’re too short to reach it!
7. What do you call a hobbit party?
   👉 A Shindig of the Shire.
8. What’s a hobbit’s favorite meal?
   👉 Second breakfast. Obviously. But also brunch. And elevenses. And lunch...
9. Why did Frodo go to therapy?
   👉 He had a lot of baggage to carry.

💍 Precious Puns

10. What did the Ring say to Sauron?
    👉 “You complete me.”
11. Why did Frodo break up with the Ring?
    👉 It was a toxic relationship.
12. How do you make a Ringwraith cry?
    👉 Tell him he’s not even Sauron’s favorite.
13. What do you call a Ringwraith on a diet?
    👉 Slim Shady of Mordor.

🧝‍♀️ Elf Laughs

14. Why did Legolas bring string to battle?
    👉 To tie up loose orcs.
15. What’s Legolas’s favorite exercise?
    👉 Bowflex.
16. Why did the elf fail his archery test?
    👉 He kept missing the point.
17. What did the elf say when his hair looked amazing?
    👉 “I'm elf-tastic today!”

🔨 Dwarvish Delights

18. What’s a dwarf’s favorite dance move?
    👉 The axe kick.
19. Why don’t dwarves use social media?
    👉 Because they prefer things written in stone.
20. What do you call a dwarf with a smartphone?
    👉 A text miner.

🧌 Orc Outtakes

21. Why did the orc go to school?
    👉 To get more brutal-ledge.
22. What do you call an orc who tells jokes?
    👉 A punderlord.
23. What’s an orc’s favorite vacation spot?
    👉 Anywhere with mordor-ate weather.

🚶‍♂️ Epic Journey Jokes

24. Why don’t they just fly the eagles to Mordor?
    👉 Because plot holes are precious!
25. What did Sam say to Frodo on a long walk?
    👉 “Bro, I’ve been carrying this friendship like I carried you up Mount Doom.”
26. Why didn’t Aragorn bring snacks?
    👉 He was the Ranger of the pantry.
27. What did the map say to the Fellowship?
    👉 “Stop wandering off!”

🎶 Musical Middle-earth

28. What's Frodo’s favorite band?
    👉 The Ringles.
29. What’s Gollum’s karaoke go-to?
    👉 “My Precious” by Gollum Mars.
30. What instrument does Sauron play?
    👉 The Eye-pod.

🛡️ Bonus Zingers – Rapid Fire Style!

31. What’s Aragorn’s favorite app?
    👉 Strider.
32. Why did Gollum join Weight Watchers?
    👉 To get rid of his precious pounds.
33. What do you call a fashionable Ent?
    👉 A Tree-trend.
34. Why did Sauron fail art class?
    👉 He had no vision.
35. What’s the Witch-king’s least favorite song?
    👉 “I Will Survive.”
36. What did Merry say to Pippin at brunch?
    👉 “This is Mordor-licious!”
37. What’s an elf’s favorite movie?
    👉 The Fellowship of the Bling.
38. Why don’t orcs do stand-up comedy?
    👉 They always kill the audience.
39. Why did the Balrog get detention?
    👉 He was too fired up.
40. What’s a troll’s favorite website?
    👉 Reddit.

🛡️ 41–50: The Return of the Puns

41. Why doesn’t Aragorn do stand-up comedy?
    👉 Because his delivery is too strider-forward.
42. What’s Boromir’s favorite way to start a conversation?
    👉 “One does not simply... ignore me!”
43. Why did Smeagol join a dating app?
    👉 He was looking for someone to hold his precious.
44. What’s an elf’s favorite type of makeup?
    👉 Glamdring.
45. What did the Fellowship use for group chats?
    👉 WhatsApp-dûr.
46. Why did the Mines of Moria get bad reviews?
    👉 Too many hole-y plotlines.
47. What do you call a wizard who’s always late?
    👉 Gand-late.
48. What’s Gollum’s favorite dessert?
    👉 Precious pudding.
49. Why don’t the Nazgûl ever get lost?
    👉 Because they’re always on the dark path.
50. Why did the Ring go to therapy?
    👉 It had control issues.

🧌 51–60: Deep Cuts from Mordor

51. Why was Mount Doom always grumpy?
    👉 It had a volcanic temper.
52. What’s the Black Gate’s favorite drink?
    👉 Sauronade.
53. Why did the Witch-king get ghosted?
    👉 Because no man wanted to date him!
54. What’s the Mouth of Sauron’s biggest problem?
    👉 Halitosauron.
55. What happens when orcs get hangry?
    👉 They start biting more than Frodo’s fingers.
56. Why did Saruman lose his job at the White Council?
    👉 He had a bad tower attitude.
57. What’s Frodo’s favorite board game?
    👉 Risk, obviously.
58. How do you know Gollum’s been on your computer?
    👉 All your bookmarks are precious.
59. Why did Elrond stop giving out advice?
    👉 Nobody listens to the old elf anymore.
60. What’s an Ent’s favorite hobby?
    👉 Branching out.

🧝‍♂️ 61–70: Elvish Humor and Shire-side Chuckles

61. Why did Legolas break up with his girlfriend?
    👉 She couldn’t quiver his heart anymore.
62. What did Arwen say when she found Aragorn’s playlist?
    👉 “These are some rangerous jams.”
63. What’s Samwise’s secret to happiness?
    👉 Good taters and better friends.
64. What’s a hobbit’s favorite workout?
    👉 Burpee-breakfasts.
65. Why don’t hobbits use GPS?
    👉 Because getting lost is half the adventure!
66. What’s a hobbit’s favorite pickup line?
    👉 “Is it second breakfast or are you just happy to see me?”
67. What did Frodo say at karaoke night?
    👉 “This one’s for the Shire!”
68. Why did the elf start a podcast?
    👉 To share his woodland wisdom.
69. What’s Bilbo’s favorite genre of music?
    👉 Oldies, but goldies.
70. What’s a hobbit’s favorite Star Wars movie?
    👉 The Return of the Second Breakfast.

🏹 71–80: Arrows, Axes, and Awkwardness

71. Why doesn’t Gimli ever get lost?
    👉 He always axes for directions.
72. What’s Gimli’s dating profile say?
    👉 “Short, sturdy, and down to dig.”
73. What’s Legolas’s worst subject in school?
    👉 Math—he can’t carry the one.
74. What’s the difference between Aragorn and Google?
    👉 Nothing. They both find what you're looking for.
75. What did Frodo say to the spider in Shelob’s Lair?
    👉 “Sorry, not today, Charlotte.”
76. What’s the most terrifying creature in Middle-earth?
    👉 A hungry hobbit with no snacks.
77. What’s Sauron’s biggest insecurity?
    👉 People only like him for his Eye.
78. Why did the Fellowship take a break?
    👉 They needed a little orc-ward silence.
79. Why don’t elves play hide and seek?
    👉 Because they’re always spotted.
80. What do orcs do on weekends?
    👉 Brunch and pillage.

💍 81–85: One Last Ring of Laughs

81. Why did Frodo fail drama class?
    👉 His delivery was too precious.
82. What’s the Eye of Sauron’s least favorite weather?
    👉 Foggy days—bad vision!
83. What do you call a really cool Ringwraith?
    👉 The Wraith of Chill.
84. Why was Frodo good at gardening?
    👉 He had lots of plot development.
85. What did the Ring say during a breakup?
    👉 “I think we should take some time apart... before I destroy your soul.”

That's a Wrap from Middle-earth!

Phew! That’s 85 jokes straight outta Mordor (or maybe the Shire's open mic night). Share 'em with your fellowship, drop a few during your next LOTR movie marathon, or keep 'em in your back pocket like Sam with lembas bread.

If you’ve laughed, groaned, or accidentally snorted lembas through your nose—mission accomplished.

For more geeky giggles, fantasy funnies, and pop culture punchlines, stay tuned to Land of Geek Magazine—because one does not simply walk away from good content.

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