88 Assassin's Creed Jokes That Deserve a Hidden Blade Clap

88 Assassin's Creed Jokes That'll Make You Leap of Faith Into Laughter

Let’s face it: being in the Assassin Brotherhood is tough. There’s constant sneaking, climbing stuff you probably shouldn’t, mysterious glowing artifacts, and a lot of hooded brooding. So sometimes... you just need to laugh. 😌

Whether you're team Ezio, still crying over Connor’s sad boy arc, or just here for the historical chaos, we’ve rounded up 88 Assassin’s Creed jokes that will stealthily shank your funny bone.

Ready to synchronize with some silliness? Let's go.

🗡️ The Leap of Faith Laughs Begin

1. Why don’t Assassins use elevators?
   Because they prefer to take the “leap of faith.”
2. How do Assassins send messages?
   Via hidden text.
3. Ezio walks into a bar.
   It instantly becomes a rooftop.
4. What’s an Assassin’s favorite social media platform?
   Insta-stab.
5. What do you call a stealthy Italian in Renaissance armor?
   Ezio de-la-daaaaaamn.
6. Why did Altaïr get kicked out of the party?
   He kept blending into the furniture.
7. Desmond really peaked in life.
   Until he... didn’t. (RIP buddy.)
8. “You ever heard the phrase 'nothing is true'?”
   “Yeah, especially when Ubisoft promises bug-free launches.”
9. Why did the Templar go broke?
   He had no sense of Brotherhood.
10. What’s an Assassin’s favorite type of joke?
    One with a killer punchline.

🔍 Sneaking Into Pun Territory

11. Why don’t Assassins ever make good comedians?
    Because they always bomb... then disappear.
12. Assassin’s Creed Syndicate: where the biggest crime is the number of cockney accents.
13. “My face when I try to parkour in real life.”
    Haystack not included.
14. What do you call an Assassin at a Renaissance fair?
    Overdressed.
15. Why did the Assassin become a baker?
    Because he was great at kneading... AND stabbing.
16. That moment when you accidentally stab a civilian and the Animus is like: “Desynchronizing.”
    Bro, it was an accident!
17. “I’m in a committed relationship.”
    Me: With who?
    “The Creed.”
18. What’s the Assassin’s favorite snack?
    Apple of Eden pie.
19. What did the Templar say to his crush?
    “Can I join your inner circle?”
20. Why don’t Assassins ever get sick?
    Because their immune system is fully synchronized.

🎮 Gamers Will Relate HARD

21. “AC Unity multiplayer is smooth”
    Said no one ever.
22. “One does not simply walk into a fort.”
    You either sneak in, climb the back wall, or yeet in with 4 smoke bombs.
23. The Animus: where suspension of disbelief comes with historical DLC.
24. Why did Edward Kenway get lost?
    Because he was three bottles of rum into his treasure hunt.
25. Assassin’s Creed combat:
    Press X to win. Or die trying.
26. What’s Shay Cormac’s favorite song?
    “Oops, I Betrayed Again.”
27. Desmond’s barber:
    “You want the ‘reluctant protagonist’ cut again?”
28. Why are Templars terrible at hide and seek?
    Because Assassins are always behind them.
29. Assassin: “I’m invisible.”
    Guard: “Who's there?!”
    Assassin: Desynchronizes in shame.
30. If you ever feel useless, remember there’s a “Whistle” mechanic in every game.

🧠 Historical-ish Humor

31. “Assassin’s Creed: rewriting history one shank at a time.”
32. Leonardo da Vinci: “I made you a new blade.”
    Ezio: “I wanted a pizza, but thanks bro.”
33. Ben Franklin gave me an electricity-infused kite.
    What is this, AC or Pokémon?
34. “The French Revolution was wild.”
    Yeah, especially with those frame drops.
35. Assassin’s Creed: where your only goal is to kill... quietly... unless you don’t feel like it.
36. Cleopatra in AC Origins: “You’re late.”
    Bayek: “Sorry, traffic was all chariots.”
37. You either die a Desmond or live long enough to become a Juno.
38. Assassin: blends in with monks
    Guard: “Suspicious hooded dude in the middle there…”
39. The Creed’s motto: “We work in the dark… because stealth kills get bonuses.”
40. History class, but make it stabby.

🔥 The Rest of the Hidden Blades

41–88: Get ready. Here's a rapid-fire stealth strike of jokes:

41. What do you call an Assassin on vacation? Ezio-tourist.
42. Why did Arno never show up on time? He lost his “Unity.”
43. Templars hate apple products. Especially the Eden ones.
44. What’s the Assassin motto at brunch? “We wait in the toast.”
45. Assassin's Creed: the only job where you fall off a roof and get promoted.
46. Stealth mission: fails. Time to go loud with style.
47. Kassandra > Alexios. Don't @ me.
48. Hidden Blade > actual blade. It’s science.
49. Ezio: literally the Italian Batman.
50. Ubisoft: “We fixed the bugs!” Cue parkour faceplant glitch.
51. The real Creed: “Don’t kill civilians… unless they’re rude.”
52. Assassin logic: Climb 300ft tower, jump into hay. Totally fine.
53. Desmond deserved better.
54. The Creed: Come for the lore, stay for the outfits.
55. 100% Sync? Not today, Satan.
56. Why are all Assassins ripped? Climbing towers is cardio.
57. “Where’s the map?” “Synchronize and spin the camera until it reveals itself.”
58. Horses in Assassin’s Creed: The OG Uber.
59. Who needs roads when you can rooftop-hop your way through Florence?
60. Ezio flirts in Italian and it's unfair.
61. Assassin job interview: “Can you kill in style?”
62. Jump off a building, land in a haystack: “Parkour logic.”
63. Remember when you thought Desmond was the main character?
64. Every time I die, it’s “historically inaccurate.”
65. Altair: “My name means bird.”
66. Assassin’s Creed: Sponsored by chiropractors (because that backstab? Yikes.)
67. What do you call a clumsy Assassin? “Desynchronized.”
68. Connor: the Assassin who never smiled.
69. Bayek’s camel: “Again with the sand?”
70. Assassin’s Creed: the only game where history makes you cry and stab at the same time.
71. Templar: “We bring order.” Assassin: Stabs through stained glass window.
72. The only thing more dramatic than the story is the cloak physics.
73. “Climb that mountain.” “Why?” “There’s a feather up there.”
74. The Creed says “nothing is true,” but my rage at failing a stealth mission is real.
75. Assassin meetings: 90% hooded brooding.
76. Ezio’s family theme still hits like a hidden blade to the heart.
77. You can tell how serious the mission is by the number of slow-mo walks.
78. If AC Odyssey taught me anything: Spartans yeet first, ask questions never.
79. Every Assassin: has tragic backstory
80. Every Templar: looks rich and stab-worthy
81. Parkour through history > Walk in real life.
82. “Are you a Templar?” “No, why?” pulls out hidden blade
83. Desmond is the real MVP… until Ubisoft said “nah.”
84. What do you call a reunion of Assassins? A stab reunion.
85. Assassin motto: “No pain, no sync.”
86. When you fast travel but the loading screen lasts longer than the trip.
87. Ezio’s cape has more character development than most NPCs.
88. Assassin’s Creed is just historical drama + murder parkour = Perfection.

Got a favorite Assassin’s Creed joke? Or did we just desynchronize your funny bone? Keep the laughs rolling and check out more gaming funnies at Land of Geek Magazine!

#assassinscreed #gamerjokes #ubisoftfunny #hiddenbladehumor #gamememes